Early this morning, I shifted Adriana around and realized that her diaper had leaked. The moment I turned on the light to change her, her eyes popped open and she smiled at me. I changed her diaper (wondering whether the velcro tab on the left side had moved out that far on its own, or whether Brian had really put the diaper on in such a way that there was a huge gap between the elastic and her leg, and if so WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING?) (Hi, sweetie!) and put her into clean, dry pajamas, brought her back to bed. We nursed for awhile, but I could see that her eyes were still wide open. Finally I heard her filling her diaper. I wondered if she would fall asleep anyhow and if it would be awful for me to let her go the next couple hours until Brian got up with her in that diaper. I wondered if I could wake Brian to change this one and still reasonably hope that he would get up with her in the morning and let me sleep in. My decision went the way it usually does: I was awake anyhow, so I might as well do it myself and then sleep in guilt-free in the morning. The real morning. The one where there is actual sunlight. Because at this point it was morning, five in the morning, but I don't think that "in the morning" should really count. (Perhaps I'm not what you would call a morning person anymore?)
I laid there, wondering what I'd been smoking when I wrote this, and thinking Mary's suggestion about a lamp didn't sound half bad, especially because I wasn't the one that put on the bedtime diaper in such a way that it had no choice but to leak. (All the kind thoughts I'd been thinking about Brian yesterday? They had been pushed off into a corner of my brain that I don't have access to in the pre-dawn hours, I guess.) The baby giggled and grabbed my nose, then rolled over and got up to crawl after the cat who had just jumped up onto the bed. I wrestled her back down to see if she would nurse. She did for a moment and then reached over to pat Brian. Back and forth we went, until finally I pulled her up on top of me. She raised her head and looked me in the face, and then laid back down and grew still. I breathed deeply, slowly, consciously, and waited. At last I rolled to the side, so that we were still snuggled tummy-to-tummy, and buried my face in her hair, and I knew exactly what had come over me to make me write that previous post.